Never Alone

I waited for you today
But you didn't show, no no
I needed you today
So where did you go?

You told me to call
Said you'd be there
And though I haven't seen you
Are you still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here
And I'm never alone

And though I cannot see you
And I can't explain why
Such a deep deep reassurance
You've place in my life

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though you're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here
And I'm never alone...

Never Alone - Another Journal Entry - BarlowGirl - hardcore girly band I know...I love them. :)

Oh theme songs, the list is never ending. And P.S.....random thought....I just realized that the Goo Goo Dolls aren't who I thought they were....and the actual Goo Goo Dolls are freaking amazing. :)

*CNR

Madaheeda Hada Mada!

That's me and Vanessa's favourite quote from out choir teacher. Just describes exactly how I'm feeling now....which is basically....

I don't KNOW!!!!!!!

Dang, that has got to be one of the hardest things in the entire history of the WORLD for me to deal with. I want to know. What's going to happen? When? Why did this happen? How could you? Is this the way it's supposed to be? Should I do this?

I don't know.

Spring was coming....I was sure of it. I could feel the sun on my face....literally and sort of in a wierd way in my heart. I was getting it...finally FINALLY getting it. I was finally feeling like I could trust God and others, even if I didn't think their way was best. I was finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel....closer and closer.....And I hoped.

And now I'm trying SO desperately not to think that it was all useless, all fake, all stupid of me to hope or trust anyone in the first place. I know it's not true, and I know that God's way is absolutely perfect and flawless and better than anything I have in mind for my life. But just when I thought that God's way was moving towards what I want.....WHABAM! He throws me a curveball.

I guess the best picture of God for me now is from Isaiah 40:10+11. "See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power, and his arm rules for him. See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him. He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those who have young." My discipler and one of my profs showed me that verse. God is POWERFUL, the ultimate power, yet he is gentle and carries his "lambs" close to his heart. Forgive the hardcore cheese....but God is carrying me close to his heart. He is my protector, and he is powerful.....he comes with power....he is the warrior fighting for me.

Now what do I do with this: "I don't know!"???? Yep....that dang word that has come up over and over again through the last 2 years. TRUST. Part of submitting to God's authority and allowing him to have control means trusting him, especially when it makes ZERO sense in my mind. But even when I am questioning God's timing, he proves that he knows exactly what I need. Every single time this week that I have basically had some sort of melt down or I just need to let out the pain I feel....there's been someone there. So many people have come around me to support me and PRAY for me, ho man is that ever comforting.

It's still like nothing lets it all out though. No ammount of tears or talking or prayer makes it go away. I'll just have to wait.....which is a whole new can of worms. Wait. Wait and trust.

Anyway....since it's been forever...quick update on me:
-I'm done homework on TUESDAY!!!!! But the library is closed and I can't find my library card for when it opens.....so basically I'm screwed. :)
- We got a few of the Africa team people together last weekend and hung out with one of the guys that no one's seen pretty much since May. It was awesome! We had Dilmah!!! :) I hadn't had it since Africa....it's funny how something random like tea brings back so many memories. :)
- I'm graduating in three weeks, which I am SUPER proud to say.
- I'm getting baptized the day after I grad and then maybe going on a road trip with two of my BESTEST friends!!!! :)
- Plans to move into Grande Prairie in the fall are all worked out!!!! I'm going to room with Kristine (one of my "Bestest" friends :) and rent is cheap and rides look like they're working out. God's incredibly faithful.....
- I'm basically freaking out about camp right now....just so many uncertainties and potentially REALLY hard things to work through already. BUT I've made it through many a bizarre summer at Camp Wapiti, and God is definitely capable of getting me through this one, especially because I'm definitely not.
- All in all, I'm pretty much just all over the place. I can't decide if I'm excited for school to be done or not, I can't decide if I'm excited for the summer or not. I'm excited yet insanely SCARED about the future right now. I feel sort of numb.

And that sounds horrible! But my perspective is changing all the time. Someone told me today that I'm really brave. I sure as heck do not feel brave, but it was really encouraging to hear them say how much growth they've seen in me this year.

Ok. This is ridiculously long, and I'm going to post a song yet probably.....so I'm off. *Remember...The end will justify the pain it took to get us there...* (Can you believe that I just quoted Relient K????) :)

*C

Oh my ab

I did weights and sit ups and such for the 1st time yesterday and wow I hurt. :) The "ab" is just for my PRBI girls..."Where are you, Ab? Where are you?"

So.....it's like my brain just can't decided if this week has been good or bad. I have mixed feelings. :) Working out is good for me...I don't have to think about anything but running. That's a first since I don't even know when. My emotions fluctuate on like, an hourly basis. It's crazy. At one point today I was thought, WOW. I have WAY too much to do and I'm NEVER going to get it done. And then later on tonight I got a little more optimistic and kicked my research paper's butt. I was on a role, and then I was signed up for the treadmill at 10. Sigh.

Anyway. I'm loving this whole new perspective called hope. I think I wrote about it a while ago....and it's still just as weird as before. It's a new thing for me....hardcore. Things almost seem to be getting worse in some areas of my life, yet I have this bizarre outlook on it all. I admit, sometimes I get REALLY REALLY cynical and pessimistic and all those other words that make you think of some skinny old teacher with her hair in a really tight bun. Or something like that. :) But more and more I'm choosing to believe what's actually true. So even if yeah, life really actually sucks and I'm freaking out about feeling alone again, I can still CHOOSE to believe that I'm not ever alone. God will never ever leave me. My feelings about my life haven't really changed, but truth changes my perspective a little bit. So basically, life still sort of sucks, but I see God more in my life and I know more what to do with everything I feel.

Oh Feelings. Talk about a love-hate relationship.

I'm also feeling like I need to give myself a little credit for some things. Progress HAS been made...and is being made. I've said it before and I'll say it a million times more.....that rhymed....I am TOO hard on myself!!! :) Seeing myself the way God actually sees me is probably one of the most foreign concepts to me. But it's wicked awesome....and really hard to explain how much it affects so much of my life. But yeah....there's a lot to talk about there, and I just really don't feel like being serious right now. :)

I've been thinking alot about camp lately. Before it was Africa.....ALL the freaking time. Now it's camp. Not quite all the time, but I'm sure it'll get there eventually. :) I always have mixed thoughts/feelings about a new summer at camp. I'm just SOOOOOO unbelieveably pumped to see some girls and work with the girls that are counseling....and I'm freaked out of my mind about what I'll have to do and be challenged in and work through. Every summer is completely different yet somehow the same, and I never know exactly what to expect. I don't do super awesome with that, but it's also kind of exciting. So overall I'm just SUPER impatient to get started, and it's still like, four months away. Before I know it, it'll be done...

Ok. I'm off to kick some paper butt again. I will return victorious....maybe....I hope.

*Caitlin