mellow
yep. Once in a while I am just...mellow. Actually probably not "once in a while".....it happens often. Alot of people don't understand it, sometimes I don't either. I think I just NEED time a couple times a week to be alone and paint or write or scrapbook or draw and most of all THINK. I don't really have space to do any of those things now, so blogging it is. :)
I'm feeling a weird peace now that I haven't felt in a while. I'm peaceful, yet kind of restless. I feel like I want to run off and travel the world and see all the things I want to see...like a flea market in Paris and water streets and rice fields and a bull fight. And at the same time I want to stay in Sexsmith forever and keep everything the same as it always has been. I have this weird love-hate relationship with change, and this is a time of HUGE change. So it's weird, and I don't really know how to explain it to anyone. And so I blog. :)
It's almost been a year since I left for Africa....which is so surreal. It seems like forever ago AND yesterday that I was there. I miss it, yet I'm terrified at the thought of going back. It never leaves me though...never ever....this passion to DO something about it, about the pain and darkness that practically oozed out of every person I met in Sierra Leone. I'm still processing that trip....I remember things all the time and can't really tell anyone. I met this one girl named Janet....she made me cry. We went to have "drinks" with some random Irish construction workers we met as we drove in the Provinces. We hung out at their compound....air conditioning!!!!!.....and then one very uncomfortable, guilty looking man came in with a very broken, used woman. She sat down at the counter, I felt sick to my stomach, and then I talked to her. She looked SO surprised when I asked her name and smiled at her and asked about her life. I could see in her eyes how much she LONGED for love. We talked, and then the man asked her to go with him. She gave me an embarrassed, sorry smile and left with him. She was hired for the night. People like her stay on my mind all the time. I can't leave that alone.
But what do I do?
Ok. It feels good to get that out. I didn't want to journal it cuz I feel really achy and it would have really hurt my hand to write all that. :) Forgive my ramblings. I guess there's just alot on my mind. Alot of memories and dreams and fears and questions. I hope that someday my mind slows down enough for me to figure it out.
*CNR
posted by Queen*Caitlin @ 10:27 PM
4 Comments:
Don't worry caitlin, you're not the only one with a love hate relationship with change. I want to move to somewhere like brazil.. just for a little while, but then i think about all the fun stuff i would miss with my family and friends here and it almost brings me to tears! It's sad.. haha. And I remember the woman you are talking about... keep praying for her. Her situation was very sad. Oh, and I want to go back to Africa really really bad too. But if i can't i'm going to sponsor a child from ghana. K, that's all. I hope you're doing well! love you!
Caitlin,
Wow, right now I would just love to give you a sexsmith hug (yes, legs and all!). I want to hang out with you and eat a whole whack of ice cream out of the bucket at Mary-ann's! I hope we can do something tomorrow, if you got Amb's email... I hope you did. We both would love some time with you to talk and just be "bosom friends". Love you girl, and Amb and I are always here for you!
(heart)Kels
This comment has been removed by the author.
The other one had a typo so i deleted it for you and your grammer obsession. So here it is without a typo.
I feel the same way but differently. If that makes any sence. Africa is the same for me, and I cannot wait to go back, the waiting almost hurts. I am going to miss you so much over the summer so keep blogging. Love you.
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