crappy days and brownies

Alright so, I haven't done this in a while... :)

The other day, Tuesday I think, was one of the crappiest days I have had in a LONG time. First of all, I'll be honest, I was PMSing. Badly. On top of that I had written my testimony the day before and realized that I am still dealing with a lot of the stuff I thought I had "dealt with" a long time ago. That SUCKED. Let me tell you about it...

In my testimony I talked about how God "took away" three of my best friends EVER in Senior High. (Oh Senior high........not really what I would call "the good ol' days." :) In grade 10 and 11, I totally twisted the fact that my friends were gone to mean that I was worthless. No one loved me, or liked me, or wanted to be with me. Ever. I was so angry and hurt and confused and alone. SOMEHOW...God found me. One night while I lay bawling my face off on the floor and getting everything thoroughly snotty, He found me. I realized that I am NOT worthless in His eyes. I came to him dirty and broken and hurt and fallen apart, and he took me like that. That's pretty overwhelming to say the least.

So basically I thought I had dealt with my whole "self-worth"/ "loneliness" issue. I thought so wrong. I'm pretty sure that it is something that is going to come up again and again. On Tuesday, I got a fairly significant assignment back with a comment that basically said I should just drop my outline and topic for my 10-page paper and start from scratch. Then some people here at school made some fairly insensitive comments that affected me deeply, mostly because I am still dealing with this self worth thing. THEN I went home for supper and had the worst time yet with my family. I have a rotten attitude towards my brother and sister and mom, and it affects the whole family. A LOT. I hate that the most. I just hate it, and I have no idea what my problem is. That is the worst....stuff with my family.

So I cried, alot, more than three times that day. I felt like a hunk of junk, a piece of dirt...you know. In my head I KNEW that was not true, I'm not a hunk of junk, but I had SUCH hard time believing that. I felt totally worthless.

I got back to school after supper at my parents' house, and got a card from my discipler that said, "Precious in His Sight" on the front. I cried right there in the Dining Hall. My dad also sent some brownies home with me. That's little, but it's big, you know? Then I got an awesome e-mail from Miriah. All she said was that she loves hearing from me and wanted me to come to her grad. Just that was confirmation that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE loves and appreciates me and wants to be with me.

Then, ok I'll just say it, I got an e-mail from KALEB. And it made me laugh. A lot. I don't really know why. :) And then I told him all about my crappy day. That was awesome, cuz I didn't get to talk to anyone all day cuz I had SO much to do. Then, he called me and said that even though alot of the junk that goes on in my family is my fault (so I said) so is alot of the GOOD stuff that goes on in my family. (Alright, Kaleb, you may not have said it that well on the phone, but I got it. :)

God is so good. I was the lowest I've been in a long time that day, even AFTER those e-mails and talks. But God provided encouragement and people for me to talk to. My ROOMMATE, holy smokes, we had such a good talk (LATE at night of course) and I discovered some of the lies I believe. It totally blows me away how good God is to me, all the time. He didn't leave me low, he lifted me back up. :) I hope that someone is encouraged by this. It's true, I've exprienced God's faithfulness and goodness and provision and peace. It's there, he's there, go find him you guys...seek him out, he'll meet you where you are.

And THAT is it for now. Sorry, I get kinda long-winded.... :)Love you all, e-mail me, call me, whatever. :)

*Caitlin